As my first post of the year, I would be remiss if I didn’t wish each of you a 2019 filled with infinite blessings and an abundance of peace. Though it has always been my intention to freely and genuinely add beauty to this social media platform in my unique way, I had to take a brief sabbatical from it all.
In pursuit of living my most honest life (something that’s incredibly easy to cover-up and mask on this platform), I wanted to take a break to evaluate the world around me, my growth (or lack thereof), and weigh, why towards the end of last year, I became incredibly miserable with a space that’s meant to inspire, encourage, motivate, and provide a friendly environment for us all. It dawned on me – my life is not perfect, though almost every photo or video I post would portray that life is nothing short of sunshine and roses. I’m always smiling and writing from a perspective of having it all figured out or filling in the blank space of my caption with an overly positive quote that was intended to make you feel good, but probably is assumed copied from a philosophic genius.
Nevertheless, I decided in order to evaluate it all, I had to stop scrolling and posting for a while. This time it was different yet still very much personal – a pen pal of mine committed suicide last year because she got fed up with trying to keep up with the lifestyle, ideals, and picture-perfect image portrayed from her favorite influencers and fashionistas whom she admired here on Instagram each-and-every day. No matter what or how hard she tried, she never seemed to be in reach of attaining those things. Her last words were written in her last caption on her last post, just moments before deciding to take her life, “I’ll never be good enough.” I cannot tell you how significant that occurrence was to my life.
From an influencer point of view, I couldn’t begin to impart on you the many frustrations I’ve encountered and the mental implications I’ve personally felt for not presenting a false reality for people to live up to. Although it’s meant not quickly amassing impressions or landing the big gigs, I couldn’t be more thankful to God for my mental fortitude, resilience, and will for consistency, because I might have thrown in the towel by now too. Though I never thought it harm by presenting an overall upbeat life and posting an overload of photos that portray happiness, I realized that I too, am guilty of misleading my small community on here which could be potentially harmful.
In my time away and evaluating what existence I truly desire to portray here – it’s nothing intricate or complicated at all. Truth is, I don’t always look good all of the time. I am not always happy. I sleep little because I work in various capacities. My weight fluctuates like crazy – a result of various cancer treatments. I often get my feelings crushed because I always want to see the good in literally everything around me. People disappoint me. I disappoint me, and the list goes on. Through it all, I somehow because I know who God is, find light, love, and strength to carry through my days.
For a second, I forgot my passion and purpose which is to create a place for daily evolvement and improvement – in the most honest way. Which meant, I had to retire the perfectionist in me because pushing myself to achieve unrealism handicapped my happiness and depleted my ability to empower others. It’s no secret that my Source is God; always has been, always will be. Through him, all things are fearfully and wonderfully made. I invite you to join this journey with me – a not so perfect journey, but a life lived extraordinarily well and content in His sight!
Peace and Blessings to you all!